If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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