This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
