This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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