Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
