You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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