i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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