I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
