How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
