Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
