I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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