my mouth tastes like poor choices
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
40s are totally the cure
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
