So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
