Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
