U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
bring money and cleavage
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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