I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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