My cat gives me a boner
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
