I showed him my bush... on skype.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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