Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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