woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
