I am midnight drunk by noon
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
