my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
worst night to have a conscience
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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