So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
