Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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