It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
50% drunk capacity currently
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
