my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
