dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS