haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.