Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??