when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
