I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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