I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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