gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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