His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I didn't notice because vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
