I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
false alarm. still invincible.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
