Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i came on her dog
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
