god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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