Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
