I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
