Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
