You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize