You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
