my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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