He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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