I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
