Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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