Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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