It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
