it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
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That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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