I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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