can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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