im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
