I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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