rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
