8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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