Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
