Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
