I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
