If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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