EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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