I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
