I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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